TRAPPED BY FEAR
Emptying a mousetrap on my own for the very first time was one of the most empowering moments of my life! It was at that moment when I faced the fear of something I didn’t think I was capable of doing, that I knew I was going to be alright in this thing called life, whether I was alone or not. Sounds silly, huh? I’m sure it does, but it is my truth.
About 5 years ago I realized there was a mouse in the house (Eeeeeek!!!) and I * WAS * PETRIFIED!!!! My Ex-Husband used to take care of those kinds of unpleasantries, but he was no longer around. So, I purchased some sticky traps and strategically placed them in the areas I thought would prove most successful. My planning paid off, but then I found myself in a predicament of not having the courage to deal with the victory of that success. My daughter’s then high-school boyfriend came to the rescue and took care of the removal for me, but he was understandably none too thrilled. Problem solved though, right? Well, not quite. There was a small open field beyond my back yard fence line & it was a very cold December, so 
another mouse decided to seek warmth & refuge inside my home. This time I could not call for backup and was forced to deal with the situation on my own. Bearing witness to the many woes of the “Battle of the Sticky Traps”, I made a decision that the old-fashioned snap traps would better suit my ability to follow through with the unpleasant task at hand, from start to finish. I looked online at “how to” videos, and then went to the store to procure all of the necessary items (mousetraps, rubber gloves, plastic baggies, several fancy & tempting kinds of cheese, peanut butter, and midget Tootsie Roll’s®). Yes, Tootsie Roll’s®. One of the “how to” videos boasted that a tiny piece of wet, chewed up Tootsie Roll® is like Crack to mice. I was on a mission, so spared no expense on equipment & bait! None of the tantalizing treats would go to waste, and I was quite curious to see which would yield the most favorable results. It took several painful tries to figure out how to bait & set the traps without removing a much-needed typing digit, and then figure out how to lay the traps down ever so gently so they would not snap as they encountered the floor. Less than two hours later I heard “that sound” . . . the sound indicating the mission was a success. It then took me at least an hour to build up the courage to go assess the situation. When I felt ready, I donned a bright yellow rubber glove on my right hand, then shoved that same hand into double-lined plastic grocery bags for even further protection, grabbed the handles of triple-lined grocery bags, and while securely holding an unzipped Ziploc Bag® under my left arm pit, held my breath, and walked towards the area “the sound” came from. Nose snarled, head pulled tightly back (with a triple-chin effect), teeth grit, brows knit, and eyes barely open, I generated some tight-lipped throaty/squealy tunes while snatching one end of the wooden trap (the additional weight now residing on it making me very queasy), quickly throwing it in the triple-lined grocery bags, and even quicker into the Ziploc Bag®, sealed that, dropped it in a kitchen-sized trash bag & double knotted that tightly, (as if escape were an option),
then rushed outside to the large green plastic crypt (I mean garbage can).
“K E R P L U N K . . .”
“Breathe Dana . . . B R E A T H E!!!”
Breathless, I wandered back inside the house, disinfected the floor (and myself), and then sat down in utter exhaustion. The experience had successfully managed to drain every drop of energy from me. However, while sitting there trying to get the oogy feels and images out of my head, it occurred to me . . . “HEY, I DID IT! I * ACTUALLY * DID * IT!!!!” As silly as this may sound, this was seriously HUGE for me. “I don’t NEED someone else in order to survive!”
You see, even after my divorce, our co-dependent nature and low self-esteem caused us to continue to make unhealthy choices of not moving on with our lives. Somehow, the comforts of the known, even as terrible as it may have been, was not nearly as terrifying as the fears of the unknown. So, for many more years than I care to admit we played house, maintained unrealistic expectations of each other, had the same (plus additional) problems, took multiple brief “breaks”, but always seemed to find our way back to the comfort of each other . . . “the known”; mistaking that “comfort” for being “♥ in love ♥”. Each “reconciliation” we both swore that this time would be different; and, it was . . . it always got a little worse. This behavior was confusing for everyone & not healthy for anyone, least of all our precious little girl. Please understand, this is not intended to bash my Ex; rather acknowledge the sad realization that sometimes relationships just run their course; they may be way too broken & unstable to do anyone any good, and due to various circumstances cannot, nor should not, attempt to be mended.
One definition of FEAR that I have grown to appreciate & attest to is:
False Evidence Appearing Real
Many of us spend much of our lives immobilized by fear, really without any credible evidence to support it; we can’t seem to move forward in the slightest to get a different view, even if it is almost certain that view would be amazing. We can get so caught up and become so fearful of stepping out of our comfort zone “the known”, we very well may be missing awesome opportunities and tremendous blessings. Personally, I have allowed fear to cripple many aspects of my life; always worrying about “what if I fail?”, rather than daring to dream and visualize “but what if I don’t? . . . ”, and having the courage to take a chance. Honestly, most decisions in life aren’t deal breakers nor matters of life & death, so why not just take some chances? FEAR, that’s why. In addition, it is important to understand that failure is a huge part of success. No successful person has a zero-point score card in the failure game; quite the opposite. Identifying what went wrong with something is equally, if not more, important than understanding what went right. So, we can allow our fears & failures to freeze us or to fuel us. The choice is up to us. Personally, I am opting in for the fuel in order to transport me to where I want to go in life!
That first day I loaded the mousetraps all by myself and prepared to deal with the consequences, I faced one of my fears head on. Heart pounding, sweat beading up on my brow (in a cold December mind you), I accomplished something I never thought I could. When the unpleasant task was complete and I could finally breathe again, it dawned on me that I had lived for decades fearful of so many things. Fears and unwillingness to move beyond “the known”, caused me to accept much less for myself than I deserved or that was intended for my life; I was cheating my own destiny, and was not being the role model my daughter deserved. Fear took on many forms. Fears such as: not getting picked for a Dodge Ball team in elementary P.E. class and being the last one standing, then being forced upon a team that clearly didn’t want me; not being liked/accepted; worrying if anyone would want to sit by me on the school bus or in the lunchroom; concerned what other people were saying about me (or possibly even worse, that I was not even a thought in anyone’s mind in order to be a topic of conversation); being alone; not being able to handle things in life by myself; employment opportunities; losing people; making choices (possibly the wrong ones); judgment & criticism; body shaming; being in a relationship; being considered less than; and, the fear of the unknown. Ugh, that fateful “Unknown Zone”. So, pretty much fear of everything! Shew . . . saying it is exhausting, so living it now seems darned near unimaginable.
I have spent my first 5+ decades “trapped” in the FALSE bondage of fear. Rarely were the fears ever founded. Unfortunately, as much as people around me love, encourage, and believe in me, they don’t have the power to release me from this trap, or I would have been freed long ago; only I have the ability to do that. However, their words and actions are not in vain; they are much appreciated & so very powerful, and over time have served to strengthen me. With that support (kind of serving as oil that loosens a rusted metal contraption), strength from my faith, and the gift of life experiences, I am slowly but surely learning to unhinge myself from this trap, and WOW . . . it feels really, really good!
I recently resolved to try and not live in the frozen tundra of regret for the “wasted” years of living in the land of the “what should have been” & “what could have been”. Rather, I hope to use my history of failures, fumbles, and fear to fuel the rest of my life’s journey towards a future filled with fun, fulfilling, phenomenal adventures!
* By the way ya’ll, Tootsie Roll® for the win * 
Make It A Great Day!!!
♦ Dana ♦
Dana’s Mary Kay Website (Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant)
Chunk of Coal -- Mining Through Life & Discovering My Inner Diamond 